I'm great at getting my self "stuck"
I'm honestly the happiest I've been in a very long time. :)
I have great friends who care about me. The fact that I don't know where things are going is kind of
stressful but exciting. I'm at a point where he is calling all of the shots.
I've got a great job that challenges me everyday!
I have the boys they have been truly amazing.
My family has been there as well.

I honestly can say that I am enjoying life.

Just recently I found my self engaged in a rather complicated situation.
I would say that this was definitely one of the best and most constructive situations I have ever been in. I learned a lot about my self and the other person directly involved. About 2 months ago, some of my good friends from work moved into a house together with some of their friends. This was fantastic. It was going to be a chance to hang out with these friends more.
I started going there and hanging out on a very consistent basis. I even gave a friend advice on dating, to help her become involved with one of the house mates. That worked seemliness. I gave the best advice I could give and guided her into being with him. They have been dating for a month now :).
I am so happy for them, you would think my extensive knowledge on advice would have helped me with my own situation.
It may or may not have!
The house is amazing and they are my extended family. I would do anything for any of them and I think the same in return. But here is were I got my self into a almost sticky situation. I like to think everything in my life happens for a reason. I say this because every time something substantial happens like this I always walk away with something from it. All month I was like there is a reason I keep coming back here.
Let me get into the past month or so.

I remember about 2 months ago now I started going to the house. I remember meeting "him" for the first time and it being awkward. I was helping Dan build furniture and it was interesting. When they were settled in to the house,meeps and I would go there all of the time.
I remember the night specifically when she was supposed to come over with me and I was there all by myself when it all happened.
I had made a comment about something and that's were is all began. He came over and started talking to me, we talked for hours about nothing! I like conversations that can do that. They are always entertaining. As the days passed we became more interested in each other without ever saying it.
It was great! We exchanged fb and Dexter became a reason to hang out more and more.

Why not!?
One night he drank a lot and told me a lot of things about himself. Which I guess he doesn't do.
I learned a lot about him and all of the other good stuff.
We made excuses to hang out more and more...
It was everything I wanted, we learned a great bunch about each other.

What was weird is he would get these moments of on and off.
I didn't care!

4 LOKO Night.

This was the end all.
In a way I think it was suppose to happen like that!
We spend the night with each other (not sexual) talking more and more..
Admitting feelings for each other. Woke up in his bed cuddled up and this is were is goes downhill.


THE TALK:

Saturday we both had the day off together. The morning was everything I wanted it to be and more.
There were no denying feelings.
Once we got up that is were everything changed.
I left to do some errands.
Came back and he was acting funny. The kind of funny when you yell at the dog when it eats furniture funny.

He didn't talk to me all day. It was awkward on all levels.
I felt abandoned.

The day got worse and more awkward.
Sunday, I came over after work and he wrote me off didn't talk to me until it was convenient.
So I texted him when I left!
We had this long drawn out convo that left me with even less answers then I had.
I just wanted to be his friend if anything else.

a week and a half went by things were getting better.
I thought.

Until this past Thursday rolled around and I had a terrible day. Just plain awful.
So I confronted him out of anger things were weird between us I just wanted answers.

At that point his friendship was more important to me then anything else.

So I was angry at the world.


Saturday!
I went over on Saturday because I didn't think he was going to be there.
I was wrong. I did my best to ignore him and I think he realized that.
The group left for a little while and then came back around 9 and he specifically asked me when I left if I was coming back. I was like yeah I don't see why not.

The Talk

As we talked about nothing for hours as usual, everyone in the house was asleep.
In my head I was running scenarios of how to have this conversation and then it just happened so naturally.We'd been avoiding it for weeks. He opened up to me (no alcohol) and told me about things he doesn't tell everyone. I felt more important and closer then I think if we dated. The more we talked about it and laid it out. Our feelings are mutual, just wrong time.
I know people saying timing is a poor excuse, but I truly believe that this was bad timing.
Will we ever date I don't know nor care to think about.
I walked away with a great friend and to me that is more important then any dating.

The conversation was smooth and not awkward and we learned more about each other then ever.
It made us that much more closer.
I respect him for being honest with me and not lying. You can't be mad a someone for telling you the truth. A real friend is someone who respects your decisions.

I think we have a good thing going.

But I walked away from the house knowing I helped someone. I helped him learn that communication is important and that he wasn't ready for a relationship. I learned that I wasn't either.



:))

Ugh the worst feeling in the world is liking some one and not knowing how they feel about you.

I mean I want to continue to be his friend either way I just don't know how to convey I like him much more, I feel like I am being beyond obvious. Then again I don't want to get hurt or hurt him.
This is one of the worst feelings ever, I mean if things don't work I want everything to be fine and us continue to be great friends. I don't want to change anything we have going now. I mean we enjoy each others company and I should be okay with that right?
I mean going into this with no expectations was the best advice I could ever have gotten. But now that I have no expectations I still cannot help the way I feel.
Every night I spend seems to get better and better but it's still not clear.

It's just awkward that's all.

I have found my calling, something I truly am good at, Counseling relationships. I know it's easy to be like hold it your relationship didn't work. As much as I hate to admit it communication is key and we didn't really use it. I think I've learned a lot from that and have been a lot more open about my feelings. I've helped many people I work with ease into relationships and also counsel them through breakups and what to do next.

I hate to be "confident" and say my advice has never been wrong.
....Not yet anyways. There is always the chance of things going terribly wrong.


It is actually quite nice I surround my self around great people and am really happy were things are headed. Situation 2 has me more confused then ever. I realize I just got over saying that I am good at this type of thing. But when it involves your self it is easy to create your own perception of reality. The thing is we both are newly out of tiresome relationships so I don't want to smother this, but it's really awkward things that keep drawing my attention back.

I don't know.

I've never experienced anything like this.
You can never actually be dead right about the way something will turn out.
I had taken a guess on which direction things would go and they are honestly headed I would say in the middle.
First thing first, Tom I didn't want to break his heart but we both knew it wasn't headed anywhere good. It was starting to become self destructive. I knew I would be giving up my best friend and he holds grudges.

But in fact....
He has been making a sincere effort it feels like to talk to me and be my friend. I want that!!
I just don't want it to be AWKWARD when we do start dating other people. I know how relationships turn out when the ex is involved. But this is different.

I'm much better at playing match maker which I have once again proven to be successful.
Sometimes I use my skills for good.
:]] I'm really excited. I think that J'aime and Dan are going to be so cute together.

I have 2 current situations and I'm moving really slow. No rushing I'm not ready for a relationship. My already depleted self esteem was starting to dip and now these 2 situations are making it easier. Well one of them we will call situation 2 is super shy but outgoing. Plus we are kind of both just out of really tiring relationships. He is the roommate of my work friends. Which is awesome but it also makes for that awkward well we aren't really friends yet so I feel weird inviting you over. But he always asks about when I will coming over to watch the latest Dexter episodes. So IDK....
A CHALLENGE.

Situation 1, Oh I don't know about him he is ambitious.
He is work related so I don't necessarily want to go there. He is super nice and we play little big planet and talk about anime. ^_^


Sooo..Like I said No RUSH.

Just so many things.
School is killing me. I hate stats.

What is depression, is it made up in our heads or is it just raw emotions that build up when things aren't going right. I don't know. I could put a bajillion definitions on here but who is that going to help. You got it NO ONE!
I don't know through everything I have never felt depressed I've been doing a lot of rethinking these past few days. Maybe it's because finals are stressing me out, or the fact that everything is falling down the drain.

See this is where my definition of depression comes into play it's called life. Sure I've come to moments of realization and said "wow I can't do this" I think the big problem with people is coming to face the truth. That's the hardest part. Facing everything and saying you know what I've got this. I've been finding my self coming back to writing it's the only thing that allows me to have judgmental free sessions with my self.

Life is hard things don't go right. I think the hardest part for me is usually I find a way and this time I don't think I will so for once I don't get my way and I don't know how to handle it.
It's time to come up with a plan which I am fantastic at I just don't like my plans to get ruined. I'm not good at that!

I like going through these sporadic moments when I'm like damn I miss writing my feelings. It's hard for me at one point in my life it wasn't okay to express how I felt in writing. Apparently writing down everything isn't okay! But I've grown past that point in my life. I've done a lot of growing, it's just how things work. You never stop learning and growing.
Acceptance for me was always hard, I think it's hard for everyone. You get comfortable in one place and then have to get up and move. I've found in my past years that I don't adapt quickly, I can't adapt quickly. It's something I try to work on but I can't change that aspect of my self. It's not a bad thing it just makes me overly cautious but realistically it's really hard to be overly cautious. It comes down to a point where trust people and open up or egg shell. I tend to go with egg shell to frequently. I need more risks. Hence my relationship I don't like to complain about it because it's not bad. I love Tom to death but sometimes he doesn't realize that his lack of motivation really is burdensome. I think it will be good for him to go out and experience college and do things that he enjoys. He needs to find his passion, I know what I want.
For once in my life. It's surprising my life has been filled with "I don't knows and I don't want too." Now I've developed a new ideal where I actually do something even if it hurts. I've been trying new things and actually saying yes I will do that! It's actually quite exiting, I've become my own person.


School:
It is hard and it's a challenge. I get that! I worry to much about failing another thing I need to work at. Stop worrying so much and just focus. I tend to do better when I worry I've developed my studying around worry. Not the greatest habit it has worked for far to long. I love school though I love my program and I love my professors. I like the challenge they bring to the table I like learning about new things and how things work. I'm an applied learner so this is fantastic. I've had some struggles but I have moved passed them.

It feels great to write again!!!

Lately, things are always moving I mean like particles of an atom. In constant movement. It's frustrating at times because it's hard to tell when things are actually going to start working out for me. Every time something goes good something of the opposite attraction comes 10X as bad. I've learned to deal with it, only somethings things get stuck in my head and I tend to become annoying. I don't mean too, it's just how I roll.
I realize this is a flaw within, not sure how much I can change it. I suppose that it just takes time and patients.
School this semester blows, I can't wait for it to be over. Along with the whole dad having cancer, having friends to how having friends.
Straight up I'm a hot mess.

Often these days I feel like the weather. It's unexplanable and can often be unpredictable, but I take it for what it is. This summer I feel like I actually accomplished things it may not be going to the beach day after day or getting completley sunburnt. I just went with the flow of things. I did what I needed to got out of Palmer. It's true hard work really pays off. I think it was more of a motivation of everything else that is going on.
Question?
How is one suppose to react to there parent getting a tracheatomy and almost dying.
Honestly I'm not sure. I've learned so much this summer that no matter how someone treats you there should always be room for forgiveness because the next time you may see them is dying in a hospital bed!
I guess I've been taking to many things for granted. I tell myself I am simple and ordinary but the truth is, well I am compilcated and unordinary.

Albums worth checking out.
Ben Folds presents: College a capella
whats not to love.